Probably Not Work Safe
Mar. 25th, 2010 03:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
4thofelevenA ‘friend’ put me on a porn DVD catalogue mailing list as a joke, and I’ve never been able to stop the subscription. Normally I chuck them out unopened, but they’ve changed their packaging and I mistook it for something else. So, you might ask, what’s big in porn this month?
- “Not Really the Dukes of Hazzard” – a ‘hilariouly boneriffic parody of the classic TV show’. Man, they’re not even trying with the parody titles any more. Is Dukes of Hazzard still big enough in the public consciousness to justify parodying it in porn? Hell, was it ever?
- “Fly Girls” Reading the description, turns out just be generic stewardess-themed porn. Shame, I was really hoping for some sort of sexy aviator/Amelia Earhart sort of thing. Guess my fetishes aren’t really what they’re marketing for.
- “Krossing the Bar” – You know what? It’s really nice to see ‘legal’ used in a porn video’s description in a context other than ‘borderline underage’. And if “Sexy lawyer” can gain as much respect as a “Sexy cop” has, we’ll be well on our way to seeing erotic versions of “Law and Order” become a reality.
- “D-Cup #3” – It’s kind of charming seeing a porn video selling itself purely through the promise of large breasts. That’s barely a step above naming your porn “Naked women”, yes? “D-Cup” loses points for using the term “milk sacks” in their description. To actively stand out as un-arousing in a page full of terrible descriptions is an achievement, I suppose.
- “Wanna Fuck My Wife, Gotta Fuck Me Too”, “Blow Him And Then You Can Fuck Me”, etc. – Alright, let’s be honest. You’re watching gay porn. Nothing wrong with that – but at least be honest with yourself and admit you’re getting off on gay porn rather than watching porn with contrived “No, see, he’s just giving that guy a blow-job so he can have sex with a woman!” setup.
- “Sex in the Comics” – ‘In somewhat terrifying makeup and wearing rubber masks, the male leads portray characters from the original comics… surreal… all sets are completely hand drawn’. Damn, I actually kind of want to watch this now.
- “Double Penetration Tryouts #8” – I like the pretence that this isn’t really a porn film, it’s the audition process for another porn film. My question – were there tryouts for this film? Were they filmed? I can see a whole sub-genre of metatextual porn taking off.
- “Tug Jobs #6” – Actually, there seems to be a whole subgenre of purely hand-job porn. I’m generally pretty jaded about porn, but this strikes me as really weird. I mean, you can see people actually fucking for the same price. Who has a fetish for hand-jobs?
- “Lesbian Legal Part 6” – I assume here they do mean ‘legal’ as in ‘barely’, but the logo is a set of scales, and the description doesn’t specifically mention the women as young. I hate to sound like I'm obessed with this, but I'd be really happy if it turned out this was a series of soft-core lesbian lawyer on judge action or something. I really think there's a gap in the market here.
- “Grandma stole my Girlfriend!” – Alright, you’ve got ‘mature’, you’ve got ‘lesbian’, you’ve got ‘cuckolded’, you’ve probably got some sort of psedo-incest theme going. That’s a good start, but we can do better. Maybe add some sort of interracial foot-fetish TV parody thing? I think we can reach maximum fetish, if we just all make an effort.
- “Orgy Sex Parties” – What is this, no-name brand generic porn?
Alright, now remind me never to actually look through one of these things again.
- “Not Really the Dukes of Hazzard” – a ‘hilariouly boneriffic parody of the classic TV show’. Man, they’re not even trying with the parody titles any more. Is Dukes of Hazzard still big enough in the public consciousness to justify parodying it in porn? Hell, was it ever?
- “Fly Girls” Reading the description, turns out just be generic stewardess-themed porn. Shame, I was really hoping for some sort of sexy aviator/Amelia Earhart sort of thing. Guess my fetishes aren’t really what they’re marketing for.
- “Krossing the Bar” – You know what? It’s really nice to see ‘legal’ used in a porn video’s description in a context other than ‘borderline underage’. And if “Sexy lawyer” can gain as much respect as a “Sexy cop” has, we’ll be well on our way to seeing erotic versions of “Law and Order” become a reality.
- “D-Cup #3” – It’s kind of charming seeing a porn video selling itself purely through the promise of large breasts. That’s barely a step above naming your porn “Naked women”, yes? “D-Cup” loses points for using the term “milk sacks” in their description. To actively stand out as un-arousing in a page full of terrible descriptions is an achievement, I suppose.
- “Wanna Fuck My Wife, Gotta Fuck Me Too”, “Blow Him And Then You Can Fuck Me”, etc. – Alright, let’s be honest. You’re watching gay porn. Nothing wrong with that – but at least be honest with yourself and admit you’re getting off on gay porn rather than watching porn with contrived “No, see, he’s just giving that guy a blow-job so he can have sex with a woman!” setup.
- “Sex in the Comics” – ‘In somewhat terrifying makeup and wearing rubber masks, the male leads portray characters from the original comics… surreal… all sets are completely hand drawn’. Damn, I actually kind of want to watch this now.
- “Double Penetration Tryouts #8” – I like the pretence that this isn’t really a porn film, it’s the audition process for another porn film. My question – were there tryouts for this film? Were they filmed? I can see a whole sub-genre of metatextual porn taking off.
- “Tug Jobs #6” – Actually, there seems to be a whole subgenre of purely hand-job porn. I’m generally pretty jaded about porn, but this strikes me as really weird. I mean, you can see people actually fucking for the same price. Who has a fetish for hand-jobs?
- “Lesbian Legal Part 6” – I assume here they do mean ‘legal’ as in ‘barely’, but the logo is a set of scales, and the description doesn’t specifically mention the women as young. I hate to sound like I'm obessed with this, but I'd be really happy if it turned out this was a series of soft-core lesbian lawyer on judge action or something. I really think there's a gap in the market here.
- “Grandma stole my Girlfriend!” – Alright, you’ve got ‘mature’, you’ve got ‘lesbian’, you’ve got ‘cuckolded’, you’ve probably got some sort of psedo-incest theme going. That’s a good start, but we can do better. Maybe add some sort of interracial foot-fetish TV parody thing? I think we can reach maximum fetish, if we just all make an effort.
- “Orgy Sex Parties” – What is this, no-name brand generic porn?
Alright, now remind me never to actually look through one of these things again.
