A Meaningless Title

“Beginning in about 2005, the CIA began secretly developing a ­custom-made Osama bin Laden ­action figure, according to people familiar with the project. The face of the figure was painted with a heat-dissolving material, designed to peel off and reveal a red-faced bin Laden who looked like a demon, with piercing green eyes and black facial markings.”
 - CIA hatched plan to make demon toy to counter Osama bin Laden's influence, The Washington Post
 

You know, I think a lot of us were worried that after the end of the Cold War, the CIA would lose its reputation for complete insanity. It seemed for a while there was no place in the new world order for such cunning plans as securing American power by making Fidel Castro's beard fall out. It's good to know the War on Terror gave them a new opportunity to play to their strengths, as well as finally answering the question: What would Darth Maul look like with a beard?

Asked whether he considers himself a Zionist, he answered: "I believe that the Jewish people have the right to a state ... Remember, there was no Palestine as a state. It was part of the Ottoman Empire" until the early 20th century…”
- Gingrich calls Palestinians ‘invented’ people, al-Jazeera News
 

 

 

In the wake of Newt Gingrich’s discovery that territories formerly part of the Ottoman Empire cannot claim statehood, governments from Hungary to Kuwait are struggling to deal with the revelation that their national identities are a fraud.

“I thought we were a real country, with a history that long predates formal independence in 1912,” The Albanian president said, shortly before handing his country over to the great-grandson of the last Ottoman Sultan, “But Mr. Gingrich is right – we were part of the Ottoman Empire until the early 20th century, obviously we are an invented people.”

In Turkey, there is uncertainty about what the revival of the Ottoman Empire will mean for the region. After almost a century of staunch republicanism, few are happy to see the monarchy return, but many feel they have no choice. “Although Turks were the dominant culture within the Ottoman Empire, it was not thought of as a Turkish nation.” One government spokesman explained. “Turkey as a nation was only founded by Kemal Ataturk in the 1920s; we are clearly an illegitimate state.”

In Libya, the Transitional Government is struggling to maintain their recently-won freedom with the argument that Tripoli was historically more of a ‘client state’ than a directly administered possession of the Ottoman Sultans, and Egypt is expected to make similar attempts to maintain its independence.

But not everyone objects to the restoration of Ottoman rule. In Cyprus, many are celebrating the end of the island’s division as both Greek and Turkish Cypriots abandon their false identities to join together as subjects of the Sultan. Meanwhile, in revolt-plagued Syria, President Bashar al-Assad seemed almost relieved to turn his country over to the new Ottoman sultan, and one spokesman for the former regime is now arguing the former President should be exempt from any prosecution for crimes committed by the Syrian government, as, under the Gingrich doctrine, the Republic of Syria never existed in the first place.

In Europe, meanwhile, markets are reeling at the discovery that debt-laden Greece never existed in the first place. “In hindsight, looking at the level of corruption in Greece, we should have guessed the entire state was an elaborate hoax,” One EU official was heard to comment. “It’s a pity Italy and Spain were never part of the Ottoman Empire.”

Similarly, NATO peacekeepers in Bosnia and Kosovo are struggling to deal with the radical shift in cultural identities in the region, as millions of Serbs, Bosnians and Croatians abandoned their post-Ottoman nationalities. “At first, it looked like the ethnic conflict here was finally over,” One American soldier reported. “But now it looks like about half the population are now pledging allegiance to the Habsburg monarchy instead. I don’t think things are going to calm down here any time soon.”

Meanwhile, the man at the centre of this radical political shift, Newt Gingrich, has come under fire from his own party, after it was realised the Gingrich doctrine had resulted in the erasure of Israel as a state as well as Palestine. One Republican, speaking anonymously, went further, saying that “Mr. Gingrich’s comments don’t even make sense. So what if Palestine didn’t exist prior to the twentieth century. There wasn’t a United States prior to the eighteenth century; it was part of the British empire and considered part of the British community – Oh, crap.”